Drift
by Palexiot
Summary: Love doesn't always go the way you plan. Sometimes you just drift apart. Can Spencer and Ashley find their way back together? Or has too much time passed?
1. Chapter 1

**Prologue **

_So don't leave me _

_And I know you're justified _

_So don't leave me _

_'Cause a part of you in me died _

_We wish ourselves beautiful _

_We cry in the night _

_And it's not the love you feared _

_But the fall from the height _

_My personal ledges _

_Afraid to look down _

_My crepe paper bridges _

_Enough water to drown_

_~ Edwin McCain: Ghosts of Jackson Square_

Looking back on things our parting wasn't as cut and dry as our break up in high school. There were no clearly defined roles being played in the blame game. Last time it was me and my insecurity, Ashley and her fears of what moving beyond her past would mean and Aiden and his betrayal of both our trusts.

This time, however, there was no Aiden, not like that anyway, Ash had moved on quite nicely to her roll as songwriter and devoted girlfriend, while I was more than secure in the knowledge that Ashley loved me. We were living together weren't we?

It was a gradual movement, like the shifting of tectonic plates. We were Pangea, slowly but steadily drifting apart with wide oceans filling the space between us. It might have been easier if we had been fighting, if there were screaming matches and ugly words hurled at one another. Instead there were silences that stretched on for days, brushes of skin that would have once resulted in sparked passion but now resulted in stilted and awkward apologies, for months there was an empty side of the bed, sometimes hers and sometimes mine, until soon the whole bed was empty as neither of us wanted to spend time in that house.

I don't know which one of us came to the conclusion first but it was a mutual decision of a sort. This just couldn't go on, neither of us was happy and we didn't know how to fix that flaw in ourselves let alone within the other.

_So it came one afternoon when I was on my way home from college, the knowledge that when I got there she would either be gone or leaving. I slowed the car down as though perhaps prolonging the inevitable would make it not happen at all. As unhappy as I knew we were, the familiarity of having her with me and the fact that I did indeed still love her on some level that even time couldn't touch, kept me from wanting it to end completely._

_I pulled into the driveway with shaking limbs and eyes filling with tears. A choked sob escaped as I tried to steady myself enough to face whatever was waiting inside. Gathering up my courage I opened my car door and got out, stealing myself for not only my own pain, but Ashley's as well._

_I don't remember getting to the front door or even opening it. I just remember standing in the front hallway looking at her standing there with her bags packed and tears running down her face. I was relieved to find her still there but upset at the same time, I wished that I didn't have to deal with this in person but I knew I'd regret it if I didn't say goodbye. I knew Ashley felt that too, that's why she waited for me. _

_As I looked in her streaming eyes though, I knew that wasn't the only reason she waited. She wanted me to fix this. She wanted me to figure out a way, in a few short minutes, how to change things between us but I couldn't. I was just as much at a loss as she was. Ashley didn't know how to stay and I no longer knew how to ask her to. _

_So I found myself in front of her and leaned in wrapping my arms around her shaking frame. I leaned my cheek against hers and whispered in her ear,_

"_I love you. I don't-" I trailed off unsure of how to continue. "Maybe next time?" I half asked with what some might call a rather flippant shrug but Ashley knew it was just because I was at such a loss I didn't know what else to do._

_With a final, fierce kiss she left me there in our foyer. The sound of the door closing behind her marking the finality of what had transpired._

_It would be days before I remembered anything but the sound of that door or the emptiness that followed._

_TBC...._


	2. Chapter 2

_Covered under stacked up on lies_

_To cover hurt_

_That no one could see through_

_You played it down_

_Waiting for her last day to come_

_So you can breathe again_

_Oh Ashley, tell me_

_Have you been lost, have you been jaded_

_All you loved and all you hated_

_It's all on you now_

_Suddenly won, suddenly golden_

_To a world that you were sold in_

_Torn in two, now it's all on you_

_Ashley ~ Marla Sokoloff_

**I know you're in the crowd **

**So come and save me now **

**I'm standin' all alone **

**And I feel so exposed **

**I know you're in the crowd **

**So come and free me now **

**I'm standin' all alone **

**And I just want you to touch me **

**(touch me) **

**oooh, ooooh, oooooh**

Those were the sounds of Hell that woke me from one of the few peaceful sleeps I've had in awhile. Ok, it was really a song from Heidi Montag, but when it rips you from slumber her voice sounds like that of a starving Succubus. I rolled over and slapped my hand down on my alarm with a groan. My back ached and I couldn't figure out why.

It came sliding back to me when I looked down and saw the numbers, 555-2783, followed by, 3 Sheryl scrawled across my shirtless chest in bright red lipstick.

Aiden.

Or more accurately the result of the party I went to at Aiden's frat house. I didn't remember much, but what I did remember involved me, a bottle of tequila and a rather poorly timed voicemail from Ashley telling me she wanted to see me.

Ashley and I hadn't seen each other in months. There were the few phone calls that led to silent awkwardness that spanned into moments where it was obvious we were waiting for the other to just breathe the right words to fix what lay broken between us. Neither of us had those words now anymore than we had them back then.

I rolled over and curled up with my pillow burying my face in its fluffy softness. I wanted to smother. It really was preferable to standing in front of my ex and trying hard to remember we weren't together anymore. Although, the alphanumeric code, that if used would more than likely yield nothing but a few short hours in bed followed by several long hours at the campus clinic, served as a pretty blatant reminder of that fact. I considered leaving the numbers where they were and offering to meet Ashley at the beach. It might keep us both in check.

I was still giving that idea serious consideration when Aiden barged into my room without so much as a knock.

"Aiden!" I yelled covering up my chest with the sheet.

"Please Spencer, it's not like I didn't see it all last night. I'm the one who drove you home, actually I'm the one who put your bra back on for you too."

"So where's my shirt?"

At that Aiden looked sheepish.

"You really don't want that back."

I could feel my eyebrow arch and I couldn't help but ask.

"How bad can it be?"

"Man, goat and things that are illegal even in the worst parts of Mexico."

It took a few moments before I could breathe again. Choking on your own saliva does that to you.

"What exactly does that have to do with my shirt?" I asked watching as Aiden smirked slightly.

"The goat was wearing it."

I flopped back on my bed with a groan.

"I hate frat boys."

I muttered, covering my eyes with my arm.

It wasn't long before I felt the bed dip next to me and Aiden gently lifted my arm off my face. He had on his serious face now.

"Spence-"

I cut him off before he could get any farther.

"No. We are not talking about it."

"Spencer she called me this morning to see if I could get you to see her."

I threw the covers off me and rolled out of bed.

"I don't want to see her."

"Lies." I couldn't tell if that was my brain or Aiden talking but I wasn't in the mood either way.

I stalked over to my closet to try to find something to wear.

Maybe I should wear the blue blouse with the capped sleeves, Ash always said it - I paused in my musings, having been brought horribly to the realization of two things.

1) I was unconsciously picking out my clothes based on what Ash liked

and

2) I was standing in front of my closet, shirtless and bawling my eyes out on the shoulder of my ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend who had since become my closest confidante.

My how things change.

"I should be over this." I whispered squeezing my eyes shut as tears sluiced down my face.

"You still love her. That doesn't just end Spence."

"Then why?" I asked him for probably the millionth time.

"I don't know Spencer, I really don't. But I do know if you don't go see her you're going to hate yourself."

"I miss her."

"She misses you too. Maybe you can rebuild your friendship." He said as he stroked my hair.

Aiden, such a sweet man. Really, he's been amazing to me these past six months. I don't know what I'd do without him sometimes.

"I'm going to go get ready. Do you think you could call Ash back and have her me meet at Caldere's at two-ish?"

"Sure, don't worry about it. Oh and wear that black halter of yours. You look awesome in it."

I considered that option for a second, then I spotted that white wristband he wore all through high school.

"Do you still have that silver motorcycle jacket?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, why. You wanna borrow it?" He frowned slightly as I began to giggle.

"Hell no, I was just making sure you were still totally unqualified to give fashion advice." I breathed, still laughing softly, as I stepped passed him on my way to the bathroom.

TBC....

Touch Me ~ Heidi Montag


	3. Chapter 3

_And if you go, I wanna go with youAnd if you die, I wanna die with you_

Take your hand and walk away

The most loneliest day of my life  
The most loneliest day of my life  
The most loneliest day of my life  
Life

Such a lonely day  
And it's mine  
It's a day that I'm glad I survived

Lonely Day ~ System of a Down

Stepping into the shower I realized what a hard night I had really had. My back ached and my shoulders screamed every time I tried to move them. Suffice it to say getting undressed had a been a bitch.

The warmth from the shower alleviated some of the tension but not enough that I could fully relax, especially not with my impending lunch with Ashley.__

"I wonder if I can call and cancel." I considered this briefly and then decided that, even should I decide to not go, I would probably pussy out of making the phone call and I didn't think Aiden would be so accommodating as to do it for me. Then again, he had been a huge surprise six months ago so I could never say for sure what he would or wouldn't do.

When Ashley and I split up I would have thought he'd be sitting on her doorstep waiting for her to let him in. Charging in to be her White Knight and rescue her from the dragon of her loneliness.

In fact I was so sure that that was exactly what he was doing I was shocked to find him standing at my door one summer afternoon.__

The day had started on a relatively good note. I managed to roll out of bed and had even gotten through the first three hours of the day without crying.

Of course that streak ended when I was cleaning and just happened to move the dresser over a bit and found the picture of Ashley that must have fallen behind it. It was a large picture in a frame that I had once had sitting on top of the dresser. When it disappeared I thought Ashley had taken it and I resented her immensely for that.

I remembered well what she had written on the back of it for me.

**_"Come back to me, Gongyla, here tonight,  
You, my rose, with your Lydian lyre.  
There hovers forever around you delight:  
A beauty desired._**

Even your garment plunders my eyes.  
I am enchanted: I who once  
Complained to the Cyprus-born goddess,  
Whom I now beseech

Never to let this lose me grace  
But rather bring you back to me:  
Amongst all mortal women the one  
I most wish to see."__

She had looked up what she called the "perfect poem" to give me. "Please" by Sappho. Yeah, I know it's terribly cliché but if you know Ashley Davies at all romance wasn't exactly something she practiced on a regular basis.

I set the picture back up on the dresser and felt my shoulders drop in sadness. I knew that the breakup was mutual so it wasn't so much that we were broken up that hurt. It was more the idea that maybe there was more we could have done. More that I could have done. It didn't help at all for me to wonder if she felt the same way or if she was out partying, maybe had even found a new girl to sleep with.

I was starting to sink further into my depression when I was startled from my thoughts by someone knocking on my door. I gave a cursory wipe to my red and weepy eyes and walked over to get rid of the intruder. I flung the door open, fully expecting to see Glen or Chelsea or even my parents but instead I found Aiden.

His hands were deep in his pockets and he looked at me rather sheepishly.

"Hey Spence."

I arched an eyebrow at him and felt my lips turn up into a sneer.

"What's the matter Aiden? Did you get lost on your way to Ashley's?"

I expected him to recoil but he stood his ground and looked me in the eye. It was as though my venom had served to strengthen his resolve over whatever it was he was intending to do.

"No, I'm exactly where I need to be."

"Goodbye Aiden." I moved to close the door but he shot his hand out and held it open.

"Spencer, your family's worried about you. Chelsea's worried about you. All you do is go to school and then come back here. You barely eat, you're sad all the time and you never talk to anyone."

"Thanks for the update on my life, would you like a cookie?" I pushed harder on the door but let's face it he's stronger than I am.

"I want you to talk to me Spence." He moved further into the apartment and pried my hand off the door handle.

Without looking at him I turned and walked over towards my kitchen. One way or another I was going to get rid of him. I figured ignoring him was probably the best way to do it.

Three hours into it and I was close to calling the police.

"Spencer." I ignored him and turned on the television. "Spencer."

My eyebrow twitched.

"Spencer." Oh my God, this had to stop sometime. "Spencer."

I got up and went into the bathroom. I quickly shut and locked the door completely convinced that had I not he would have followed me in and kept up his weird chant of my name. Glen used to use this tactic and I would usually hit him but with the mood I was in I was afraid I would kill Aiden and he would haunt me forever by saying my name over and over until I died.

"Spencer." Came through the door slightly muffled.

I flung open the door and swatted Aiden on the chest.

"Fuck Aiden, I thought the way you used to stare at Ashley in high school was creepy. This is just down right "kiddie porn in the basement, I stalk you and watch you sleep" offensive. Get out of my apartment!"

My hands went to my hips and I glared at him. I was further enraged when I saw his lips quirking into a slight grin.

"Stop laughing at me."

"Spence, you're too cute to pull off angry."

"Look Aiden, the last thing I need is for you to pretend to be my friend so you can pull whatever scheme you have to win Ashley back. Didn't we go through that enough the first time around?"

I had apparently struck deeply with that as his smile faded and his shoulders drooped. He ran a hand through his hair and looked at me with saddened eyes.

"I thought you'd forgiven me for that."

"I wanted to Aiden and I tried. But the truth is, I should have nailed your ass to the wall because of it. You used me. I mean you can go on all you want about how Ashley and I used you but when it came to being your friend we were genuine. There was no ulterior motive. I trusted you and you proved to me how worthless you thought that was. I'm already feeling pretty bad right now and I don't need to put my trust into someone I can't count on."

"Spencer, I screwed up and I hurt you so much. I was being petty and immature and I did the unthinkable. I knew how much you loved Ashley and I could see how much she loved you and I ignored that. I can never apologize enough for being so shitty about things. But I am sorry Spencer."

"I don't know if I can believe that. I mean I really don't get it. If you could see how in love we were with each other why would you do that? Especially since you were supposed to be our friend."

Aiden walked over to my couch and sat down. He put his elbows on his knees and ran his hands over his face. Taking a deep breath he clasped his fingers together in his lap and looked me in the eye.

"I want you to understand that nothing I say is me trying to excuse what I did. I was an ass and a bastard. I understand that and I own up to that.

I could see everything around me changing Spencer. Even before the shooting I was feeling lost and like everything I had was slipping through my fingers. Something was changing and rather than facing it I hid. I hid in my past and I sought out Ashley to try to keep whatever the change was from happening.

I thought if I could get Ashley back, if I could get back that love we had shared then it was like nothing else had happened."

The more he talked the more ashamed of himself he appeared to be. But I wasn't ready to just let it go.

"You knew how much she meant to me. I **told** you that if I lost her I wouldn't have anything!" I was yelling and it felt good to finally say all this.

"I know Spe-" He tried to continue but I cut him off.

"NO! You don't know Aiden. If you knew you would never have devalued our friendship like you did. You'd never have put yourself first." I took a moment to breathe, needing to catch my breath.

Apparently that was the opening Aiden had been waiting for.

"Yes ok, I knew how much Ashley meant to you but I convinced myself you would eventually understand. But then I saw how hurt you really were and I tried to push it back because I felt so guilty.

I used to see the two of you in the dreams I had after the shooting. You'd be dancing or she'd just be holding you and I would be watching from a distance. At the time I convinced myself that I was hurting over seeing Ashley with someone else. I understand now that it was guilt.

And at the end of the dream some guy would always end up beating the shit out of me. I thought that was the shooting, that it was PTSD and maybe some of it was. But I think a bigger part was me beating myself up for being so stupid."

"You felt so guilty yet you continually used your "victimhood" to make people do what you wanted them to. You told Ashley that she was selfish and she left before she even knew who was standing and who wasn't, but you knew Aiden. You knew who had made it and who hadn't and still you used people.

My brother died that day and I had to keep listening to you over and over" I raised my pitch to make it more mocking. "Pity me, I got shot and survived oh pity me. Forget about everyone who **lost** a loved one that night. Forget about the people we had to bury, just remember that I **could** have died so that should automatically excuse me treating people like shit and walking all over them!"

I was crying by that point. Hard, body-wracking sobs that weakened my knees and sent me to the floor. I wrapped my arms around myself and tried to pull away when I felt another pair wrap themselves around me as well. Aiden just held on tighter.

"I can never apologize enough Spencer. And I can't give you back your brother or the lost time with Ashley. All I can do is offer the friendship I know I should have given you then."

As I listened to him I thought about what he was saying. I had carried so much anger and resentment towards him for so long that it was hard to let it go. I was still angry and a part of me even kind of hated him but it wasn't impossible to see myself eventually forgiving him.

"Please let me be here for you now the way I should have been for you back then."

And with that, forgiveness got that much closer.

I was still really wary of Aiden for the first three months that he was back in my life. Eventually though I began talking to him regularly and pretty openly. After the fourth month he moved in and we worked even more at regaining the friendship we had had when we first met.

He was really great about getting me out of my self-imposed exile. He knew when to back off but he also knew the right amount to push me so that I began letting other people into my life. I still had bad days and some nights like last night where I got reckless and stupid. But Aiden never let me down and was always there to back me up.

I had been so lost in those memories from back then that I failed to notice I had not only finished getting ready but had arrived at the restaurant.

I took some calming breaths and steeled myself to see Ashley for the first time in half a year. I looked at my watch and realized I was about fifteen minutes early.__

"Way to look desperate Spence." I silently berated myself.

With another deep breath I got out my car and went inside Caldere's. Once inside I looked around the lobby. It was a nice restaurant, not too fancy but not overly casual. I found myself unconsciously smoothing down my sundress.

The bar was long with a mahogany base and a black marble top. About eight barstools ran the length of it. Beyond that was the interior of the restaurant. Deep, rich colors that the owner refused to change no matter what the current decorating fashion. It was the kind of restaurant you go to for consistency.

I looked over at the hostess and made a gesture towards the mezzanine. Sometimes it was open, other times not. She nodded and I walked over to her with a smile.

"How many in your party today?" She asked with a polite smile.

"Two please."

"Of course. Hardly anyone even realizes the mezzanine is open or that it has tables so you pretty much have your pick."

I smiled again and leaned against the host station. I could feel a flirting session coming on.

"So what would you recommend?"

The girl blushed as I took in her green eyes and raven colored hair. A smattering of freckles spanned across her nose and she had a dimple in her right cheek when she smiled.

She looked back up at me from beneath her lashes and leaned closer.

"I think the west side would be best. The way the sun shines through and you can smell the ocean is perfect."

Slender fingers moved some hair off my shoulder and I shivered as skin met skin for the briefest moment.

"I can show you to your table now or you can wait down here until your other party arrives."

"I always found it strange that Caldere's doesn't have you wear name tags. How am I supposed to know who I'm talking to?" I asked ignoring her feeble attempt to get back to business.

"Asking is easy enough." She replied as she too gave up pretense and began to seriously eye fuck me.

This was one of those moments that I was being slightly reckless and this was also one of those moments that I didn't care.

"Well in that case, what's your name and can I have your number to go along with it?"

That's right, I don't beat around the bush anymore. I Mean really, why waste time?

"You might want to check the menu." She smirked as she handed one over.

Startled by the bizarre statement I found myself unable to argue. I opened up the menu and taped under the "Hot Entrées" heading was a piece of paper.

_Lacey – 555-4835_

I took the number off and put it in my purse.

"So do I have to order that here or can I get it to go?" I inquired looking at her with a grin.

"Either one. Or you can get it delivered."

"Yeah, I just bet she can." A voice piped up behind me.

I turned around to find Ashley standing there with a look that was a mix of several different emotions. The sarcasm in her voice spoke of her jealousy while her quirked lips said she was amused. But the hurt in her eyes made me feel as though I just got caught cheating on my girlfriend.

"Ashley, hey." I said after I sent an apologetic look to Lacey.

"Hey." Her tone much softer now.

"I'll show you to your table now." Lacey said bringing us out of the awkwardness we had settled into.

After we were seated Lacey went to head back downstairs. As she passed by me her hand brushed against my arm and she caught my eye briefly.

She was still interested. Question was, would I still call her?

Looking at the brunette across from me I found myself stuck for the answer.

"Can we wait on the conversation we're about to have?" I asked as I fiddled with my hands in my lap.

"Yeah, I'm starved and I don't think we should talk on empty stomachs."

Having said that Ashley smiled warmly at me and I felt myself responding in kind.

Maybe this would go well after all.

TBC....__


End file.
